Guilt of a studying mom (July 2007)

Here I am at 5am trying to read Optimality Theory. My babe is asleep on my feet, all wrapped up in a thick blanket. Looking at him, an enormous guilt sweep over me. I know he is 4 years old, and in some families, he would have been an independent little man. But not this one…he is my "stick-on". For some reason, perhaps being the youngest, he is still unable to wean himself from mom. I know he tries hard sometimes…three days in a row last week he did try to sleep in another room with his sisters, but they always ended up sending him back to me because he made too much noise. Often in the middle of the night when I left him sleeping on the bed, he will come looking for me in the study, all teary eyes and complaining "I want to sleep, but I just don’t know why I can’t". I’m often torn between him and my studies. I’m here to study, and I have to get this done on time. And yet I feel like I’m neglecting my children’s need, him especially. God let me finish soon…let me have enough time to do things with my children. Let me grow up with them and see them unfold…Meanwhile, I’m so sorry little one, you’ll just have to continue sleeping on my feet while I try to digest these theories…