Monday, May 25, 2009

Dealing with wound (2)

The prodigal father is coming back. After 10 years. He didn't even bother to ask about his two sons before, let alone send them money. Well to be fair, maybe he did send some money for a few months. But that was it. He didn't initiate any contact with them. No words to let them know he cares. Now he is coming back, believing he is a changed man. Yup, he is a changed man judging from his speech- it was all tinted with strange twangs and accents...but other than that, I don't know what else has changed.

He is upsetting the applecart. The two sons are already comfortable living their lives without him. Now he is stirring old painful memories, opening up old wounds. Why oh why does he have to do that?

The humane side of me says it might be a necessary step to complete healing for the sons. Maybe facing him again will give them a new perspective and help them to forgive. Maybe it will give them a chance to express their long supressed emotions...

I have no right to judge the prodigal father. He might be a product of some kind of childhood abuse himself, to have caused him do what he did. But as a human being, as someone who cares deeply for the two sons, I wish he could just stay where he is...There were times in the past I wished that he was dead. I don't wish any harm on him anymore but deep down, I still can't accept what he did and what he is intending to do...

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Dealing with wound (1)

My heart bleeds for two people that I care deeply about. When they were really young, they were victims of physical and emotional abuse from a person that they vaguely remember as their father. The younger of the two doesn't remember much. The only thing that puzzles him is why he gets a cold feet when looking at knives. He asked me tonight what happened that made him that way. Fighting tears, I told him truthfully that the person they once called Dad once too often threatened them-he, his brother, and his mother with knives. Threatened to hurt them, or even to kill them. He finally understood why and opened up- he told me how his brother told him what he remembers. Only bad memories of being beaten up and shouted at and nothing much. The younger one finally understood that his parents split for a reason that was a matter of life and death.

The brother doesn't express his feelings at all. He avoids talking and going out as much as he can. The computer is his consolation. He prefers that to socializing. He seems to want to shut everyone out which is really painful. I wish he would talk, and let go. But how do you make a 15 year old open up? He is a sensitive person, a good person basically, but a very wounded one. His surface appearance is very misleading. He looks happy and normal, and his good looks does him good. But I can feel that deep down he is a mess. How I want to pull him out of that mess. How I want to see him laugh without reservation. How I want him to be happy like he deserves to.

Home sweet home

After over a year of being away, I'm home again for a short while. Home sweet home is tucked away somewhere at the foot of the mountain, maybe not quite but close. The air is fresh and the only sounds you hear are from nature; birds, crickets and rain. Ocassionally, my nephews do turn on their computers a wee bit too loud but mostly they just close the door of the computer room and keep the modern sound in there...

Here there's no traffic during rush hours, no bad drivers honking impatiently when you are a bit slow on the road. Just this afternoon when my aunt and I decided to walk back the 3 miles home from somebody's house instead of waiting for my Dad to pick us up, somebody we know who lives out of the way offered us a ride and wouldn't accept 'no' for an answer. Business opens more or less according to your need. You need a hair wash at 8.30 am or 5.35 pm, you get it, even if the sign states 'open 9.00 am - 5.30pm'. Everyone is just too happy to be of service to you.

Of course there are some minuses. Some people just don't have the sense of aesthestic they have uncollected rubbish at their vicinity all the time. Or they are too leisurely they couldn't be bothered to cut down the branches of overgrown trees and grass in their yards. Or they have too many animals walking about the road in front of their houses one feels nervous to pass by.

But overall, home is sweet home. It feels good to sit outside somebody's house listening to harmless gossips and bankerings...having a cuppa any time of the day, plucking fresh papayas from the tree in front of the house, and simply relaxing.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Separation Anxiety?

I'm flying back home in two days. On my own. After a few years of always having a little one tagging behind me. Part of me is looking forward to that. It would be good, for once, to be free. To not to have to worry about another little person's needs and wants. And yet, another part of me is worried. All the 'what ifs' start playing in my head. What if the little one (who is actually 5) couldn't sleep because mom is not around? What if the girls forgot to get their school uniforms washed? or forgot their homeworks? What if dad forgot to watch the time and pick them up late from school?

I know I really should stop this worrying. I need this time away from everyone to take care of things back home, as well as to recharge. But being a mom, one just can't help but worry. As the little one gets more and more anxious every night, I too get more and more worried. Perhaps this will stop once I'm on board of the plane, making myself comfortable to endure the 5 hr journey with a nice paperback to enjoy. I do hope so...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Give peace a chance

It's hard to believe this song was recorded by John Lennon forty years ago this month. He and his wife Yoko Ono conducted an interview in bed in their suite in Queen Elizabeth Hotel in Canada to promote peace to the world. I must admit something that happened before I was even born is often difficult to visualize. But reading the article in the May issue of Reader's Digest sparked my curiousity to google the song up in youtube. I guess the simplicity of the song befits the spirit of peace it is promoting. Perhaps it is even more relevant in this era. God knows how the world is in dire need of peace: of the physical kind and more...

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Little Treasures from big hearts

I am beginning to enjoy mother's day more and more each year. As the kids grow, the more they emphasize the concept 'pamper mom' which suits me so well. My excited ones started my morning showering me with their handmade cards and carefully chosen gifts from the mother's day stall at school. Everyone wanted to be the first whose present to be opened I had to do mee nee mee nee my nee mo in order to be fair...Impatiently they waited for me to unwrap the gifts. My 'ohs' and 'ahs' over each gift were enough to make each kid jump with joy. Oh how I love looking at their faces when I told them I loved each gift dearly. Little N gave me a pir of warm white and green woolen socks. A gave me a mug that she painstakingly decorated for days at school, to be used as pen-stand, a little white tablecloth for my altar and two bracelets. S gave me a very nice mug for drinking my green tea. All of them were put to use right away...I am now cosily sitting at the desk drinking green tea, with my feet all warmed up by the pair of brand new woolen socks, and my pencil/pens are neatly put in the 'super mum' mug. Thank God for can I not love them so despite their occasional monsterness?

(p/s- and someone gave me a Latin Workout CD that is just perfect to help me achieve my goal:-))

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day – Anonymous

Celebrating the meaning of Mother's day.

"Happy Mother's Day" means more
Than have a happy day.
Within those words lie lots of things
We never get to say.
It means I love you first of all,
Then thanks for all you do.
It means you mean a lot to me,
And that I honor you.
But most of all, I guess it means
That I am thinking of
Your happiness on this, your day,
With pleasure and with love

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

We need more people like this in the world

A friend sent me a blog by this person. Exploring his other blogs, I must say that I am impressed with his thinking. I share a lot of his sentiments about religions. Here's an excerpt from one of his impressive blogs:


"Sekali lagi, kalau anda mau mencari kelemahan suatu agama, anda akan dengan mudah bisa melakukannya. Sebagian orang Kristen mungkin saja gembira sekali membaca bahan-bahan dalam situs faithfreedom itu, sebab bisa dipakai sebagai alat menyerang agama Islam. Begitu juga orang Islam akan gembira membaca serangan-serangan terhadap agama Kristen yang ditulis oleh para sarjana Barat misalnya. Banyak kalangan penulis Muslim yang gemar sekali mengutip sejumlah kritik terhadap agama Kristen yang dilakukan oleh sarjana Barat yang sebagian juga seorang Kristeb. Mereka seolah-olah hendak berkata, “Lihat saja, orang Kristen saja mengakui kelemahan agama itu.”

Kalau kita mau memahami agama secara baik, maka cara seperti itu tidak terlalu banyak gunanya. Yang timbul dari sana hanya saling cerca dan ejek. Yang ingin saya kembangkan pada kalangan Islam adalah kesadaran positif bahwa masing-masing pihak harus sadar akan kelemahan dan kelebihannya masing-masing. Sikap semacam ini juga relevan dikembangkan dalam semua agama."

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

His First Step to Independence

Little N had a bus ride without Mom or Dad for the first time today. His class started their school swimming lesson and being in pre-primary, the kids get to participate. I know that each and everyone of the PP kids' moms was worried (slightly or worried sick, depending on how independent one perceives her kid is) this morning, yours truly included. We were all wondering if our own 5-year olds would be able to undressed/dress themselves successfully. Well, at home they do it, when they don't purposely want Mom to do it for them of course. But this is in public, under a different, somewhat 'stressful' situation.

'The Dad' said to let him be, but this Mom felt so uneasy she had to go to the pool to make sure the little one was fine. Not surprisingly, moms were hanging around in the pool for this first lesson. "Just to make sure he/she's ok", we kept reassuring one another.

The schoolbus arrived with this bunch of kids, all ready in their swimming costumes and bags. Thumbs up, darlings. You all didn't even need moms to undress you. Contrary to the moms' anxiety, the kids were excited. Came end of lesson, moms were redundant, esp the little boys' moms, as moms were not allowed in the men's changeroom anyway. The teachers efficiently took control of them.

Anxiously I waited outside of the change room. I kept wondering if N would remember our little rehearsal of how to dry yourself properly, and how to put on each item of clothing correctly the night before. Other moms were in the same predicament. We kept glancing at the door, hoping that the next kid out was hers, ready to fix collar, and pants.

Little N was among the last to come out. He looked clean and neat and he managed to put his wet things in a plastic bag successfully! Later I learned that he actually showered himself, although the teacher said they didn't have to if they didn't want to. Phew, now I can breathe easy, knowing that in the remaining 9 days of swimming lesson he is quite capable of taking care of himself. Well done, little man :-) Proud of you.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Let there be peace in the world

Why is it, I wonder, that there are so many good people in the world, and yet the world has yet to find peace?


Blogging Life...TataJane Copyright © 2010