Sunday, May 22, 2011


I don't know what to expect this time. The pain is not bad now, and not even there all the time. But the tumor is big enough to have to be removed. Not new to the procedure, I know what will go on in the operation theater. I know I'll have to go under, and at this point that is the scariest thing in my mind. The throat and shoulder blades pain due to the gases post-op, also do not make for pleasant memory.

16 years ago, when I had to go through the same operation, I was in a lot of pain. So going under the knife was like a salvation. Even having an ovary removed then did not seem to be so much a of a big deal because my priority was to be out of the maddening pain. Plus I was way younger. A 20 something body could get back to in shape in no time.

I am not 20-something anymore. Will I get back in shape as fast as I would like to? Will my hormones be affected that I'll be left struggling with mood swings and depression? Even knowing that positive thinking is powerful can't seem to get rid of my fear. Most of all, I am scared of the unknown. What will they find inside me apart from the tumor revealed on the scan? Let them find nothing else please. I do hope that they won't have to remove the whole ovary this time.

I'm faced with the biggest task ever. To overcome this fear. Oh yes I pray. But I am still scared. I hope by writing this I won't feel so scared anymore.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Cupcake Therapy

Last Christmas I didn't get to bake at all. I thought I had forgotten how to. But the baking idleness didn't last long. With a 10 yr old girl who's so into cake decorating in the family, how can a mom not feel guilty if she doesn't encourage the 'talent'?

So I bought us an oven. A medium sized one with basic function but functional nonetheless. And starting last Easter, we started cupcake baking again. I've almost forgotten how therapeutic it can be. Playing with fondant as if it is a clay dough, my girl patiently created her 'masterpieces'. We look for reasons to bake: Easter gathering with the family, fullmoon of the latest addition to the family members, somebody's birthday. We might never reach the professional level, but we are becoming better as time goes by...and definitely happy offering our signature cupcakes to family and friends.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Back on track with the diet

It took gaining all those lost kilos to actually get me back on track with my diet. The whole of 2010, I practically 'forgot' to count kalories. Subconsciously I remembered, but the mind was always so clever to deny the necessity of doing it. Not surprisingly, I gained most of the eight kgs that I lost in 2009. What can I say? Malaysian food are just too tempting. You step in a shop areas and wafting aromas of food embrace you straight away.

Four months into 2011- I forced myself to go back to the healthy diet that I used to adhere to strictly in 2009. After all, I've been telling myself to do it since the dawn of 2011. It was such a big challenge. A battle that I constantly lost. Then two of my brothers started losing weight-really lose weight. One of them lost 12kgs in a month. His secret? No rice. Strictly no rice. favourite staple. And so after celebrating the end of semester in style with my colleagues, I vowed to be off-rice. That was two weeks ago. Well, I cheated 3 times. Took a little bit of rice for lunch. Just a few tablespoonfuls.

The results? Still have a long way to go but losing 2 kg in 2 weeks gives me a nice feeling. I feel more motivated now. Hoping that this determination lasts...

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