A Son Lies for His Mom

(I decided to write again after months of hibernation. I do miss writing from the heart. Feels good to be back)

My son is in the 4th grade now or we call it Primary 4 here in Malaysia. He's still 9 years old as his birthday is in December. As of any 9 year old, he can be quite a handful. Last Monday, for one, he refused to go to school. It was one of those days when the Dad wasn't around to nudge him to get ready for school. Normally when Dad did it, he was prompt to response. So I had to try my best to cajole him: I spoke to him gently, and failed. I bribed him, and still failed. I pleaded with him, yet it did nothing. And finally, when the frustration level grew higher, I pulled him off the bed. It was then 6am, which meant if I didn't make a move sooner, the kids would never make it to school on time. The two big sisters were already complaining unhappily about how late it was, dreading the teachers' penalty if they were late to the assembly. So in the end...I had to leave my son at home grudgingly. When I sent the sisters home from school at noon, I didn't think of checking if my pulling had bruised him at all. Instead, still feeling annoyed, I gave him a lecture on responsibility. At night when I was sitting next to him, I suddenly saw this thumb-sized bruise on his left arm. "I did this to you this morning, didn't I?" I asked him with horror. "No, Mom", he quickly answered, not looking straight into my eyes. "Don't lie, I did, didn't I?". I was starting to panic. "No, Mom, really, I fell on some rocks the other day", he answered, still averting his eyes. "When? Did anyone see you?", when I asked him that, he flustered and quickly said, "When I was walking from school to the tuition place...no one saw me". I knew right away that he lied. He is never allowed to walk to the tuition place, close as it is from his school. If he had fallen, the teacher or his friends would have told me. I touched the bruise gently, and rubbed some ointment on it. My boy simply said, "don't worry Mom. It doesn't hurt". I knew then that a boy will lie to spare his parents pain. Deep down I realize that no matter how cheeky and difficult my boy seems to be, he is blessed with a good heart. As for me, I learned my lesson, a seemingly harmless touch, done in anger can bruise...

Keepsake for my girl

My eldest girl turned 14 yesterday. I can't believe I've been a mom for 14 years now. This year, I give her a little keepsake. Something that she can keep and remember me by forever. I don't know whether it's age that does that to me, or experience, but suddenly I have this urge to start this tradition. As a friend said once, "there is no guarantee that we'd still be alive next week", so while I live, I'll do something the kids will appreciate later.

An aquamarine pendant, and a white-gold-coated silver necklace seems like a suitable gift for my girl. It is supposed to be good for health and self-confidence. I can only wish that the future will be good for her, and that she will have strength to walk through her life come what may, for I know that I can't never wish for an easy life for her. Happy birthday my girl.

Freedom can be tiring

These past few weeks, I've had to deal with the apartment issues (from terminating the tenants who hadn't paid the rents for a few months to preparing it so that it is clean and homely enough to welcome the new tenants). At first it felt quite wonderful to be able to play 'the boss' and decided on many things on my own. But the joy wore out after a while. The thing is, the job, as it unfolds, is quite taxing, not because of the big things, but the little things like deciding on the colours of the wall and the curtains. Serious. Even deciding between shades of blue to paint the wall can be quite tough. My indecisive nature doesn't help either. Anyway, I realized from this experience that I rather be doing thing as a team than on my own. All this while I have the hubby as a team mate, so I decide that he's just the best team mate I could ever ask for.

On being judgemental

Religious people are judgemental. No? Yes? Maybe? But lately I seem to come across so-called religious people who are very judgemental I'm starting to wonder seriously if religions make them so, or is it just them. Christians, Muslims, whatever religions- this seems to be a universal thing. The church goers who talk about God's salvation every chance they have, the people who never miss solat 5 times a day- I really couldn't connect them to the personality of judging other people, quite harshly at that! But that's what they do, sadly. Maybe when one thinks one is doing everything the religion demands of oneself, one is already perfect. Perfect enough to be given the licence to judge...

Too bad. No one is perfect. Thus, no one has the right to judge especially when that judgement is meant to destruct. I never claim to be religious but I do believe in "let him who is without sin cast the first stone".

Thursday Blues

My monday blues are always delayed to Thursdays, I notice. It's just that I never really did think of it until today. Waking up feeling like there's a big lump on my chest, I blamed it on the stressful two weeks of preparing to get ISO certification at the office, chapter writings and domestic duties (that proved to be quite heavy when the hubby is not around). I sat on my computer, uttering a silent thanks because today hubby is around to take the kids to school. It means a lot to me because it gives me the much-needed extra 2 hours to look for journal articles for my chapters, or to just play with some ideas...I felt hungry but found that I couldn't stomach any food. Ended up drinking a mug of 3-in-1 tea.

At 9am I was at the office preparing to get some materials photocopied for my students. The first class was to be at 11am and from past experience I know that they always come without the textbook. I went to my favourite photocopier at Kingfisher Park, which turned out to be not as favourable today. The new worker told me she needed an hour to get the 30 sets times 10 pages done despite the obvious non-existence of other customers. Usually they could do it in half an hour.

Unsure what to do to kill the time, I walked around the place. The pain in my chest grew worst, and I felt the start of a headache. "Could I be having a heart attack?", I wondered. Suddenly I had a flash of imagination of myself fainting in class, in front of new students, on the first day of class. "This cannot be", I whispered to myself. The embarrassment would be too great to bear.

By some coincidence, I ended up in front of a clinic- just opened and patientless at that. I let myself in and before I knew it, I was being attended to by a doctor. I told him about the pain on my chest. He did some exam, asked about my medical history, and decided that it wasn't a heart attack but a bad case of wind. He prescribed me some medicine for wind and asked me to go have my breakfast. Phew, false alarm.

Later when I thought about it, I decided that it's the blues that always come on Thursdays. On Mondays I am normally most rejuvenated, thanks to the weekends, and because by some weird coincidence, my Monday classes always consist of cheerful, good students (could they be rejuvenated like me too?!). By Thursday the energy has depleted and the blues come...and it's no wonder I felt like I was having a heart attack!

so hit the bottom of the well if you have to,women

Remember what John Gray (Mars & Venus) says about women, well, and wave? Sometimes I forgot, but when the wave comes over me and I felt like I am hitting the bottom of the well, I remember, and I am glad I understand what is going on now. If I hadn't read his book, I would still be struggling to understand my ups and downs.

Wave is like a woman's natural cycle of ability to give and receive love. When she feels loved and full of energy, the wave is stable and she can give her love fully. But when she doesn't receive the same amount of love, support and understanding as she gives, that's when the wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. She needs to hit the bottom of the well before she is rejuvenated and able to give unconditionally again. This is when the man's role is very important. He needs to support her in such times, not by giving solutions, but simply by listening, and assuring her of his love.

Gray says that men find this hard to understand and are often feel threatened when women 'fall into their wells'. Men do not understand women's need to be assured of love but surprisingly giving those simple gestures may save the relationship. If a woman doesn't get to experience the cycle in a natural way, and tries to act like everything is normal all the time, she would eventually feel numb, has no more to give and that can eventually break a relationship.

So, feeling like doomsday is coming is normal. If your man understood this, that would be a bonus. If not, bear with it and say 'tis too shall pass'.

The ICT course

Because I wanted so much to learn something fresh and different from my routine, I enrolled for a free course at AMC Business School last week. Excitedly I responded 'yes' to the sms when it was sent to have the enrolment confirmed. Wednesday 6-9.45pm and Thursday 6-9.45pm. "Just nice", I thought. On the first course day, I verbalized a long list of instructions to the kids, making sure that they'd behave while I was gone. Then off I went to the course at 5pm, on the dot.

The lady at the counter was very helpful, but seemed puzzled when I gave her my name. "Yes, I did register for MS Excel", I insisted. She politely asked me to recheck my inbox, just to make sure. "Oh no, it is MS Access!" I heard myself exclaimed. The lady smiled and cheerfully suggested that I gave it a go. Thinking that I have come all the way to the place, fighting a heavy jam when it was actually only about 5km from my office, I decided to heed her advice.

At 5.45pm, I was comfortably seated at lab 4, waiting for the instructor to come. 6.50pm and I was still on my own. Finally, realizing that I was being unusually early, I went downstairs for a drink. When I came back at 6.05pm, the instructor was waiting for the software to download on each PC, and there were about 4 students waiting.

At 7pm, the software was still downloading. By then there were 12 students waiting. We were given meal coupons and half an hour to have our dinner. Thankfully when we came back the PCs were ready to go! 2 hours on the first day was spent on waiting...but at least the remaining session was spent wisely on the nuts and bolts of MS Access.

It might have been too basic. Something I could have done with a little bit of exploring on my own laptop, but on the second day I realized it wasn't wasted at all. It was good to have an expert explained things effortlessly, to discover functions that on my own, I'd have found confusing. Mission accomplished...I did something simple yet refreshing, and at the end of the day, I was rewarded with a certificate to show off!

A Love Letter to My Loved Ones

Dear kids,
I might not die tomorrow, but I'm doing what wise people say to do before it's too late. I'm writing love letters. To you. Yes, to you! Of course you know I love you. Heaps and heaps. And because I love you, I scold you when you do something wrong. I even punish you when the wrong is too much. You don't like it but it's for your own good. One day when you are parents yourselves, you'll see the reason why it works.

It hurts me to scold you, to point out the wrongs you did. Oh how my heart bleeds. But somebody has to do it. Or else you'll end up being irresponsible adults in the future. Being responsible is one of the musts of living a meaningful life. Remember, each and everyone of us is placed on earth for a purpose. Says who? Says mom...and remember again, moms know things! They can feel things. They have an extra eye on the back of their heads (ah, you know it). You'll find the purpose of your life one day like I think I've found mine...that's the MAIN purpose. But apart from that, there is one common purpose we all are here- to love each other. Isn't it beautiful? Love heals dears. You better believe it. How, you'd ask. Because if you love, you are willing to understand why someone does something they do, and wouldn't get too upset for a long time even if what they do seem wrong. Especially when they do that to you.

Anyway, kids, I love you. Today I'm going for a three hour and 45 minutes course after office hours. That means I won't be home to help you with your homework. To nag you to have them done fast so you can rest before bedtime. Or to nag you to check the books you are supposed to take to school tomorrow. Or to scowl when you don't tidy up your stuffs (which most of the time you end up not tidying up anyway). I won't be home to give you dinner (so you'll have to clean up on your own- no excuses like having to go to the loo right after putting your dishes in the sink!).

But kids, you know what? I'm going to miss you! Silly billy mom huh? It's not a very nice feeling thinking that you're going to bed without saying good night to me even if you don't hug me anymore. I'm used to you not hugging me anymore. For some reason you stopped doing that...is it because the culture you observe, I wonder? When I was little, my parents didn't hug me much- it's the culture I grew up in. But you shouldn't have had to stop. Touching is nice...it gives comfort. It makes you feel loved.

Hey I'm going to miss our home badminton session tonight! Don't hit the ball too high k. You might break something. I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow morning then. Sleep well tonight. Know that I love you heaps and heaps. And kids, do something for me too...tell your Dad I love him heaps and heaps too. Of course he knows that too but it's good to hear it sometimes! Take care dears. Love, Mom.

I still like what I do

In spite of the never ending tasks, the meagre salary and the mounting stress, I still like my job. No wonder I haven't left, after about 14 years in the same institution. For one thing I have a wonderful circle of friends that never let me down. As for the rest, I still find that the many hours of surfing for journal articles to read (not necessarily finding the time to read them all) give me indescribable satisfaction. And despite the pressure of deadlines for article submissions (talk about 'publish or perish" in the academic world), it is still a wonderful feeling to be able to complete one (and I have to remind myself that I have one that is long past the deadline now).

I find joy in discovering ways to make my students learn better, of putting together research facts into findings. And though I feel suffocated each time I have to deal with paperworks like ISO and MQA, or when I have to sit in committees to organize seminars and conferences, or when the boss gives me extra teaching loads on top of the already too much teaching load, I am way too strong that the feeling ceases to exist after awhile.

Oh yes I hate it when the authority overlooks me for promotions, but always looks for me to do things, citing the reason that I am experienced and capable, but perhaps as a friend says "one day someone will notice" and I'll get the promotion. At present, I am living in the present. I will do my job peacefully as perfect as I can, knowing that satisfaction is the one thing that will always be there for me. There, I've analyzed the reasons I stay on the job despite unfair treatment...

One of the 50 things I want to do before I kick the bucket

When life gets too busy, one tends to forget to do the things one loves such as blogging. Maybe I should thank the little things that trigger the longing to write such as discovering that my dreaded ovarian cyst is back six month after the last operation. It might be unlikely that I'd die soon because of that, but it is enough to motivate me to try to do as many of the things I've been dreaming of doing for so long.

Attending ICT courses is top on the list. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have yet to learn a lot of sophisticated ICT things, even as basic as excel. And so come next Tuesday I'll attend the very first on my course list- excel level 1. It's a free course (government sponsored) conducted by AMC School Business. I'm quite looking forward to this.

It's another new year

Welcome 2012. When I was young, welcoming a new year used to be a big deal. The feel of the 12am new year cold water on my face used to be really really special. For it signified another new beginning. It was easier when I was a schoolkid. The year before, at school end, everything ended. So the new year was really a new beginning. I remember all I ever worried about was getting new uniforms and stationaries. And of course fulfilling the parents' expectation of doing well in the school exams!

I wish life is still that simple. *sigh*. The older I get, the more normal another new year becomes. Leaving 2011 into 2012 didn't mean having finished everything, every single task of 2011. Maybe that explains the lack of excitement. I wonder if every adult feels this...or is it just me? If it is just me, I must be burning out!

Well, I'm going to try to combat this lack of excitement, with some positive thoughts. I'll be turning 39 in October. That means maturity. And wisdom. I'd be able to deal with situations better because of my previous experiences. And best of all, I can still incite excitement among the younger ones- that new year is indeed a special thing! A new beginning, an anticipation of great things ahead. Happy new year :)

Pick-pocketed at christmastime

The worst time of the year to be pick-pocketed has to be in December, at christmastime (though of course any time is a bad time to be pick-pocketed). It happened to me yesterday, on a train from Mid-Valley KL to KL Sentral. In a journey that was so short, it happened I almost couldn't believe it!

It's a family holiday; hubby and I were taking the kids to see KLCC. We decided to take the train instead of drive because it was a Friday and the trafic was at its worst. I must have been careless, because I having been used to live in KL for a few years, I need not be told that pickpocketing is common in KL. I am familiar with all the precautions: never put all your cards in the same place, never take too much cash, never put your handbag by your side etc. And yet, I didn't do any of those things!

I put all my atm cards and credit cards in the same purse, brought above RM500 with me, and in an attempt to ensure that my girls were fine in that impossibly packed train, I forgot all about my handbag. The next thing I know as we got off the train was that my bag was opened when it shouldn't, and so much lighter. I knew then that it had happened.

Needless to say, the rest of the day was spent cancelling cards and making a police report, which took quite some time as apparently there were several people that were pickpocketed in the same train. Now I have to wait till after christmas to get the replacement...what a trial. You could never be too careful these days.

Home alone

Can't believe it's already mid December. Again. I am home alone, trying desperately to finish up things that need to be done before my leave next week. The kids, thankfully are at my parents', no doubt enjoying their freedom from the parents' rules and regulations. The hubby is away again. I thought I'd be able to do my work faster without the kids to distract me, but hmm...not really. It feels a bit weird not having them around after a week. The house seems very quiet that even the cockroaches have started to come out of their hidings.

So I've been missing my family, and though I've been forcing myself to work really hard, the progress is not as fast as I'd like it to be :(. I ended up distracting myself with candle pics today. Christmas candles, for I suddenly look forward to christmas. A day of joy, a day of love, and lots of merry-making when it comes to my family.

I hope your christmas is going to be filled with happy memories this year.

The little boy's thoughts again

I unashamedly love to see my little boy grows. In fact I enjoy every second of it. He'll be 8 comes 12.12.2011, and very soon will be transforming into a teenager (hopefully a cheerful one).

Yesterday he said that "adults overthink things, that's why they are forgetful". His message came loud and clear to me- pay attention to the things that matter. Like family.

Last week he did something unexpected. He handed me some 50 cents coins. "Belated birthday present", he said. My birthday was on 14.10. Apparently he wished to continue a tradition he started last year. He gave me twelve 50 cents coins that he had dilligently saved, wrapped in a piece of paper torn from his school exercise book. For some reason I found that so sweet. Now I have sixteen 50 cents coins from him, that I know I will keep as my lucky coins.

My little boy is certainly growing. Gone had the time when he gave me his robot for my birthday and asked me to return it at night because "your birthday is over". He now knows the concept 'belated birthday gifts', and that it's the thought, rather than the amount or number of gifts that count.

Well, my boy might have failed his Maths in his year 2 final exam recently, but at least he is a thinking little boy. At least for now he is my little boy...

Meaningful Life

It's Saturday again. Hmm...time flies. Another class awaits me at 6pm today. The class was supposed to be at 8am but some of the students (long distance adult learners) couldn't make it so I decided to be accommodative. It's one of my favourite subjects to teach anyway so I'm not complaining.

I have 5 subjects to teach this semester when I could have chosen to stick to 2 subjects. It was accidental though. One of the reasons was to help someone out, and the other was to help a student. The subject he has to take was phased out 2 years ago and at that time he had to suspend his studies because of a personal problem. Now he is back to school and had to take the subject and I was asked whether I was willing to teach it. Why did I say 'yes' I wonder? Was it an altruistic tendency in me I wonder? Oh well, I've said yes so I'll live with it for the next two and a half months.

I've promised myself that I won't be stressed out because of this. Instead I'd just think that my life is meaningful because I am able to give something to others. Indeed, you put meaning to your own life. And you will be happy to live life in your own way...

so much for pampering myself :)

Sometimes hubby's job takes him places, leaving me to handle everything at the home front alone. Three kids, two puppies and a few fish. It gets quite taxing at times especially when hubby has to be away for a week or so.

Last week was one such week. And since I am teaching two new courses, I have to spend a lot of time writing new teaching and learning materials. By Thursday last week, my body could hardly take it anymore. "Time for a massage", I vowed to myself. Coincidently, a friend who owns a reflexology shop near my house texted to let me know that her shop has started operating till 11pm. "Just as well," I responded happily and texted her to say that I was going for a massage after 8pm on that day.

By 7pm I was home after buying groceries. I cooked some dinner for the kids, asked them to clean up after and told them to go to bed while I was out for my massage. In anticipation of a relaxing foot massage, I left home without my mobile (the battery was flat), and house keys (which I only realized much later).

I came back from my rejuvenating massage at 10pm, and realized at the front door that I did not have my keys with me! On top of that, the normally quiet neighbours were having visitors so it was too much for me to try to shout and wake up the kids. I wandered around for pins, or metal pieces that I could use to pick the lock. I got some but the lock picking attempt was to no avail. Apparently the locks were of good materials, thanks to hubby!

Thinking hard and exhausted, I sat quietly in the car. At midnight as the last of the neighbour's visitors drove away, I decided to try to borrow a phone from a 24 hour convenient store nearby. The boy at the counter was very helpful after I explained my situation. Unfortunately my calls went unanswered- who could blame the kids. They must have been tired too. The boy suggested for me to buy a set of padlock and try to use the keys to unlock my door. Which I did. But it was not meant to be...

At 1am, I called it quit. Grudgingly, I made myself comfortable in my car (thank god for the pillows and large towels I always have there) and fell asleep, surprisingly. At about 5am, Eldest Girl opened the door, looking very worried. As I emerged from the car, she was practically gaping. "Moooom, you slept in there last night?" she exclaimed with disbelief. The two other kids ran to hug me...and to my surprise, Youngest Son who was normally hard to get ready, was all ready in his school uniform. "What's the problem?" I asked stoically, and the kids looked at me as if I was the weirdest person on earth.

"So much for pampering myself" I muttered. I vowed that the next thing I'd do would be to get another set of the house keys made, and keep them somewhere helpful :)

Pain and strength

I met somebody who I've only been communicated through emails fro the first time yesterday. She came over to talk to my boss about the prospect of getting a job at my institution. She struck me as a calm, gentle but strong lady.

I accidentally made her miss her appointment, having kept her a few minutes longer than I should have in my office. But it turned out to be a good thing. At least for me. I got to talk to her and learnt that she's a widow who had been through an ordeal of watching her husband painfully died of cancer. He was bedridden for nine months, a long, agonizing process to him and his loved ones.

I could only imagine the pain she must have gone through. She and her six young children then. And I learned another lesson in life- that pain can keep the family together, and make them strong.

A beginning and an end

 

It was supposed to be a happy occasion. Like any weddings should be. But destiny has a way that is often hard to understand, to mess up with plans.

There was a wedding last Saturday. The bride and groom said "I do" beautifully, witnessed by family and friends who wished them well. A reception was to follow a few hours after the wedding, at the bride's parents' house not far from the little church in which they were wedded. Right in front of the house is the main road that connects two towns.

The groom's sending off troop had just parked their cars at the compound of the house when a tragedy happened. A boy of about 8 years old ran across the road from the bride's house, just as a car came by and hit him hard. He didn't even had a chance. He's gone, just like that. The joy and laughter at the wedding turned to heart-wrenching sobs.

The wedding reception had to go on, and people tried to pretend that there was nothing wrong. But the atmosphere wasn't quite right. There was a sadness lingering on the air. It must have been a great trial for the bride and groom. A trial in that form, just as they were beginning their life as one. But as they say, trials are a given for any married couple. Some got theirs right after they said "I do".

It was a beginning for them, and an end to a little boy. I can only say a little prayer that God gives the couple and the boy's family strength to accept their fates. No one knows what life has in store for them.

self-confessed scrabble addict

(http://photobucket.com/images/scrabble/#!cpZZ2QQtppZZ24)

So, okay, I'm a scrabble addict. Every chance I got, I'd play scrabble on FB. But hey, I don't play at work...or rather, can't play. The office has kindly blocked all access to any game applications (including language games that my students would have enjoyed in the classroom) so I've been able to discipline myself. Otherwise the temptation would have been great, and I would have ended up playing during office hours. How scary is that? :) It is scary...then I could have blamed all the unfinished work on the game.

Anyway, much that I love the game, and I normally play for a while every morning after preparing the kids' lunch boxes and breakfast (before going to work) and after coming back from work, I try to keep it a secret that I actually play. Reasons being: 1) it's not good for the kids to know that their mom cheats (no computer games allowed on weekdays for them) and 2) I am a professional...a professional shouldn't be playing scrabble, should s/he?

But, oh no, suddenly Arielle, my second girl asked a few minutes ago "Mom, are you playing scrabble?". Not suspecting anything I said "yes, why? Do you want to invite me to play?" (It's weekend anyway, so everyone is allowed to play). Arielle said, "No, it says on my screen that you are playing scrabble". Darn! And I thought I'd carefully hidden all the notifications that let my FB friends know what I'm doing. Hmm, one can never be too careful...so here I am, confessing that I am a scrabble addict. There, done. At least I can claim to play only this game...that's the truth (because I dare not play and get addicted to more games). Hey, I get my job descriptions done despite being an addict! I shouldn't be ashamed, should I? (Ok, I am feeling embarrassed!)

Multifaceted beings

My brother, obviously fed up with the world, said "everyone is a hypocrite", and I think he means that people, more often then not, do not really say what they think, especially when what they think is not popular, and agree to others even when they know they can't do that. One can be a wonderful friend, a tough boss, a gentle parent, an outspoken subordinate, an agreeable colleague; one can be anything depending on the situation. Does that make one a hypocrite? It depends.

I look at people as multifaceted beings though. We all have in us the qualities of being gentle, tough, nasty, compromising, honest, angry, patient...and those qualities take turn appearing in us. That's why I think I sometimes get puzzled by people. I often wonder why was it that yesterday this person said something, and today they say something else? Could the person be a liar? Tough question. Maybe it's just the other facet showing its side. And the person could be just plain ignorant that they are doing that.

Our multifacetedness confuses others, as we are confused by theirs. After all, human beings are complicated. I guess that's why it helps when people communicate effectively. To be tactful when expressing anger, for instance. Maybe despite the multifacetedness, there is one facet of every person that is more prominent. The one that people will know is constant, that makes up the person's basic personality even when their other facets show.

No matter what, as a friend once said, "if they are 10 qualities of a person, and only one seems good, concentrate on that one quality so you don't end up judging the person". I agree.