Scared

I don't know what to expect this time. The pain is not bad now, and not even there all the time. But the tumor is big enough to have to be removed. Not new to the procedure, I know what will go on in the operation theater. I know I'll have to go under, and at this point that is the scariest thing in my mind. The throat and shoulder blades pain due to the gases post-op, also do not make for pleasant memory.

16 years ago, when I had to go through the same operation, I was in a lot of pain. So going under the knife was like a salvation. Even having an ovary removed then did not seem to be so much a of a big deal because my priority was to be out of the maddening pain. Plus I was way younger. A 20 something body could get back to in shape in no time.

I am not 20-something anymore. Will I get back in shape as fast as I would like to? Will my hormones be affected that I'll be left struggling with mood swings and depression? Even knowing that positive thinking is powerful can't seem to get rid of my fear. Most of all, I am scared of the unknown. What will they find inside me apart from the tumor revealed on the scan? Let them find nothing else please. I do hope that they won't have to remove the whole ovary this time.

I'm faced with the biggest task ever. To overcome this fear. Oh yes I pray. But I am still scared. I hope by writing this I won't feel so scared anymore.

Of Joy and Grief

Saturday 30th May 2009. It was my cousin's wedding reception day. We were welcoming the bride and her family into the big, happy family with some kind of traditional wedding rituals and merry-making. Started off the day fine- the night before we started the preparations; flowers, backdrops, cooking ingredients etc. It was a night when all extended family members happily forgo sleep to prepare for the big day the next day. A night of catching up with cousins and relatives over a cup of tea, baileys and a can or two of beer. Oh, how we all had fun...

The next day we were busy cooking and preparing a few final details before the bride's family finally arrived, all the way from the neighbouring state. Well, not quite. They camped in the local holiday house/retreat house actually since two days before but only to be formally accepted in the family on that big day. So the ceremony started. Everyone was in a celebrating mood...then grief came very unexpectedly.

My cousin got the news from a friend. Her best friend, 16 (a week short of turning 17), along with two younger sisters aged 14 and 8 had drowned. At that time we didn't know exactly what happened, how that happened. The mood suddenly changed...a teardrop of my cousin and we all started feeling the pain. My older cousin took my cousin, my younger brother and two other cousins to visit the friend's mourning household. It was most difficult for us to maintain the celebration mood. We tried because it was the right thing to do. We danced and we sang, and yet our hearts were grieving for three young souls whose short existence were snapped off cruelly to the human understanding.

When my cousins returned from visiting the grieving household, we were told the story amidst tears. The girls' family had a picnic by the river. No one realized that they were gone. One moment they were frolicking by the river bank. The next moment they were all found lifeless, two at the bottom of the river, one adrift nearby. Their mom who's at a late stage of pregnancy was unconsolable. Three girls were taken away from her all at once, without even a final good bye. My heart goes out to my cousin who lost a best friend, but also to the parents who lost three lovely daughters...No words could possibly express the pain they felt, and still do. I offered up a little prayer for the souls, rest in peace. And the family- may they be strong to face the difficult time. And my sweet cousin- a young heart is broken into pieces but God will surely heal her in time. May she be strong enough to accept this thing that is beyond anyone's control.

At a spur of the moment, joy turned to grief...I wonder if ever grief turns to joy as fast? God bless the little souls. Please God strenghten the grieving hearts especially the family who lost their lovely ones.

Anger

http://members.tripod.com/kanchanD/ANGER.HTM

I decided to look this topic up today. I've been feeling really angry without obvious reasons. The kids' behaviors added up to that. They've been yelling at each other and teasing each other and ended up crying. It hasn't been easy dealing with that, especially when I was trying to work on something urgent.

Trying to stop them in a normal way didn't work so I ended up yelling at them...and as usual whenever this happened, it left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't like being angry and I don't understand why I feel angry and that's really terrible.

The first piece of info I found about anger is that it is the result of unfulfilled desires and expectations. How true...you'd expect the kids to be quiet and give you some breathing space and you get just the opposite. But what's more disturbing, perhaps deep down I am angry with myself for being unable to fulfil the expectations I've set. Whatever it is, I have a serious self-analysis to perform...