The Rubber Band andThe Wave

John Gray again :-) (Men are from Mars, women are from Venus). I find the comparisons a bit weird in the beginning but they made sense after reading his explanation:

Men = rubber bands

They can't love like women, which is basically "forever". In loving, men go through a cycle of getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. This pulling away, according to Gray, is men's means to fulfill their needs for independence, them being the "in-control" Martians. Without the pulling away phase, they get depleted, and won't be able to give love as the women do. Why rubber band? Because when a man pulls away, it's like a rubber band that, when fully stretched away, will instantly springs back, and full of love again. When he has satisfied his needs for independence, he would be able to give his loving once again...

Women= waves

Their self-esteems rise like waves when they feel loved. The good feeling helps them to reach the peak, but like waves crashing down, their mood can change ocassionally. This change is temporary though. Once the wave hits the bottom, (i.e the woman feels empty, unloved and...negative...in short), it rises up automatically again. Gray says this stage happens around the same time that a woman has her PMS (no in-depth studies on this though)...and it makes sense.

Best advice Gray gives to women: Don't panic when your man pulls away. Give him time to regain his sense of indipendence, of being in control. He'll naturally come back when he has had his 'recharge'. In other way, trying to force him to be loving when he is not in the right mood will only suffocate him and make him stressed out.

And to men: when the wave hits the bottom, don't try to fix it, i.e by giving advice. At this stage, what your woman needs is a shoulder to cry on, a pair of listening ears, someone to unload all her worries and concerns. A man might get confused though, because most of the time it would be the same old issues and worries that make the woman feel down. But that's how it is. She just needs to 'unload'. When she feels that she has been listened to well, she feels loved, and she will rise to the peak again.

Hmm...complicated. When the rubber band needs to stretch and the wave hits the bottom at the same time? That's when fights occur. So, Gray says, it is important to realize this...the woman should find close girl friends instead to unload. Because who better than girlfriends that can understand a woman? Good advice...

Making sense of Martians and Venusians (part 2)

Men are born with the need to appreciate power, if not to be powerful. That's just the opposite of women who need, most of all to feel loved. That's the second generalization I learned from the book. And with this realization, I know that my hubby made a tough decision to choose to come back to KK the first chance he got instead of waiting for the promotion that's due sooner or later.

As a person serving the country in the government sector, his chances of promotion are always better in KL, the capital city rather than in KK. But he has chosen to come back home to his family now rather than later. According to the perspective gained from the book, choosing love over power can affect a man's sense of 'manness', making him a bit lost. But my hubby chose us and for that I am grateful...His decision made me feel appreciated, loved, important. The next time around, I know I'm going to have to make some selfless decisions too...like get my phd done even though I've come to the point of 'almost quitting' because of the many challenges I faced and the duties I have to carry out now.

So when power and love are balanced, there's harmony...

Making sense of Martians and Venusians (part 1)

Yes, I've heard of John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" most talked-about book since it was first out in 1992. But I couldn't be bothered to read it then. For one thing, I wasn't in a serious relationship- I mean I wasn't married. And I was young and silly...but I'm glad I had the chance to read it, finally, after all these years. Apparently being too idle since he has been apart from the family, hubby bought one, read it, liked it and made me read it. I'm glad I did because I have been much enlightened by the book. I thought I'd share some knowledge here...

The first point I learnt is that men and women deal with problems in ways too different that they often cause great miscommunication between the genders. Men, when they have problems, prefer to be on their own, while women want to talk and be comforted. Not just by anyone- mostly from their partners.

A girl friend lamented to me, "my husband has stopped talking to me. He works long hours, hardly ever sees the family, and yet when he is home, he prefers to watch the TV or read the newspapers. I feel so neglected. Like he doesn't care anymore, even when I'm not well. Maybe he wants me to die so he can marry someone else..."

If I hadn't read the book, I might have judged the husband in the same way she does, but I'm thankful that I have. I have learned that doing little things like watching TV and reading the newspapers are actually ways for a man to solve his problems. He has to be on his own until he finds the solutions to all his problems. This would be the most painful stage for his partner, because the man would be oblivious to the partner's need for caring. (Wives, tell me if you have never experienced this...) Once he has found his solutions, he would be back to his normal self, like nothing has ever happened. Hmm, annoying but it looks like we wives have to live with it. I am now deducing that if a husband doesn't talk for a long time, he might have great problems that he's trying to solve...and not because he has stopped caring.

Women, on the other hand, solve their problems by talking and expecting to be comforted. So when the wife talks about things like other people's problem, complaint about the mess in the house, how bad her day was etc, (which would definitely sound like nagging to the husband), she is in need of caring. A little hug and some comforting words will do the job. She doen't need the husband to solve her problems; just to listen.

I was amazed at how true these are. The next time my girl friend laments about such things, I think I'll know what to say. Most importantly, the next time my man goes to his cave, I'll remember his need to be alone, and wait patiently till he comes out of the cave, even though I know such time is always painful...