Keepsake for my girl

My eldest girl turned 14 yesterday. I can't believe I've been a mom for 14 years now. This year, I give her a little keepsake. Something that she can keep and remember me by forever. I don't know whether it's age that does that to me, or experience, but suddenly I have this urge to start this tradition. As a friend said once, "there is no guarantee that we'd still be alive next week", so while I live, I'll do something the kids will appreciate later.

An aquamarine pendant, and a white-gold-coated silver necklace seems like a suitable gift for my girl. It is supposed to be good for health and self-confidence. I can only wish that the future will be good for her, and that she will have strength to walk through her life come what may, for I know that I can't never wish for an easy life for her. Happy birthday my girl.

On being judgemental

Religious people are judgemental. No? Yes? Maybe? But lately I seem to come across so-called religious people who are very judgemental I'm starting to wonder seriously if religions make them so, or is it just them. Christians, Muslims, whatever religions- this seems to be a universal thing. The church goers who talk about God's salvation every chance they have, the people who never miss solat 5 times a day- I really couldn't connect them to the personality of judging other people, quite harshly at that! But that's what they do, sadly. Maybe when one thinks one is doing everything the religion demands of oneself, one is already perfect. Perfect enough to be given the licence to judge...

Too bad. No one is perfect. Thus, no one has the right to judge especially when that judgement is meant to destruct. I never claim to be religious but I do believe in "let him who is without sin cast the first stone".

Meaningful Life

It's Saturday again. Hmm...time flies. Another class awaits me at 6pm today. The class was supposed to be at 8am but some of the students (long distance adult learners) couldn't make it so I decided to be accommodative. It's one of my favourite subjects to teach anyway so I'm not complaining.

I have 5 subjects to teach this semester when I could have chosen to stick to 2 subjects. It was accidental though. One of the reasons was to help someone out, and the other was to help a student. The subject he has to take was phased out 2 years ago and at that time he had to suspend his studies because of a personal problem. Now he is back to school and had to take the subject and I was asked whether I was willing to teach it. Why did I say 'yes' I wonder? Was it an altruistic tendency in me I wonder? Oh well, I've said yes so I'll live with it for the next two and a half months.

I've promised myself that I won't be stressed out because of this. Instead I'd just think that my life is meaningful because I am able to give something to others. Indeed, you put meaning to your own life. And you will be happy to live life in your own way...

Being a mom

I've not had the energy to write in the past few days. As the kids grow, they have more and more demands.

Eldest girl, for one, had to compete in a girl guide speech competition last week. She asked me to discuss the points with her, which I gladly did. But...she wouln't have me suggest sentences for her ("I won't remember it if I don't write it on my own"- ok, proud of that, girl- "besides, you use big words that I don't even understand"- oh, well, I tend to forget that you are only 13 dear). After she had prepared the speech, she asked her younger sister to time her practice, which was supposed to be 5 minutes. But when I asked her to practice in front of me, hmm, she said "I have already practiced in front of aunty (who happened to be her girl guides' teacher at school)", and stubbornly refused to do it. I told myself, "that's ok big girl. You will learn what a hard thing giving speech is", and simply reminded her that a good speech takes a good deal of knowing what one is saying, and a good deal of practice.

To make long story short, she went for that competition, apparently forgot her points on the stage for some long seconds (enough to cause her aunty some panic), admitted to the judges she forgot the particular points she was going to say, and told them "seeing that I forgot, I'd just move on to the next one...". She managed to convince the judges in the second part, the impromptu speech, that she was quite good to get second place. And so she got second place at school level, and since she has to compete at district level next week, I have to be disqualified from being one of the judges, which I had been so looking forward to do :). Life's irony...At least she admitted that "it felt good not to have made a fool of myself on the stage, which I almost did". Hopefully, she has enough sense to practice for the bigger competition. But I know better not to remind her. When one is 13, aren't mom's words so not important?

Anyway, eldest daughter went to girl guides patrol leaders'camp this morning. I reminded her to prepare everything much earlier since a few days ago. As usual, despite her "ok, ok", she didn't really take me seriously. Ended up waking up late, making the brother and sister late to arrive at school, and forgetting stuffs that I had to send to the campsite later. Oh dear...I pray that the camp will change her a bit...please God, make her become more responsible (like I was when I was her age...at least that's what I think :)).

At least, despite the chaos and stress I had to go through this week, I had fun listening to JJ and Ian's (Hitz.fm, 100.8 fm) tongue twisters this morning:

"The freshly fried flying fish"

which is kind of normal.

"unique new york"

which is still ok.

But

"red lorry yellow lorry"

definitely sounded so funny spoken by somebody with an Indian accent (no offence to the person saying it on the radio this morning).

Life is still good...with all the little things that make it wonderful, like tongue twisters :)

If ages were exam grades

The little son is now 7 going 8. Naturally his perception of things expands. And ever so full of surprising observation.

"Mom, you are a D", he said out of the blue one day. "Huh?", I looked at him with obvious puzzle. "Yes, you are a D. A D is in between 35 to 39. Sandra, Arielle and me are all an F". When all of them laughed, I realized that he was talking of age in terms of exam grades. "Oh, so what would Daddy be then", I asked him playfully. "He is the only one of the family that got a pass grade. He's a C", he said confidently. The sisters scowled at him, obviously disagreeing. "No, Daddy is still only a D+", one of the sisters said. And they went on and on arguing about Daddy's age grade...

If only life is measured in terms of exam grades...But in some ways it makes sense. When you are an A, you would have lived a long life, have experienced all the things that one your age should have experienced, and is full of wisdom. Many might not get to be that age. In that sense, being a D is not too bad. Perhaps not very wise yet, but harvesting wisdom along the way. If I get to be a B next time, I would definitely celebrate...

Life is still beautiful

Sometimes it feels that the only choice you have is "no choice". Like when your doctor tells you that you are suffering from a health problem that can only be fixed with some surgical procedures. Scary but what choice do you have? I guess one can choose to still be happy about life, because when you look around you, there are countless beautiful things to remind you that not only bad things happen, but also good. To everyone. We all have our share of joy and sorrow in different ways. And from them we learn and grow. It is unpleasant to be in a "no choice" situation, of any type, but "this too shall pass". Smile, tough it out, and remember life is still beautiful no matter what.

Take time to smell the flowers

Life is busy indeed. It's hard to believe that it's already March. It feels like yesterday when I welcomed 2011. Looking at the list of tasks in front of me, I think I could easily go insane if I don't take time to relax and unwind.

So days like yesterday are good for me. Simply being with the family, taking a lazy stroll in the wildlife park, enjoying nature. Even if I can't really appreciate animals, I definitely can appreciate plants. I stopped to scrutinize every plant by the roadside, to take pictures of those that appeal to me. The little yellow flower that bravely survived amid the withering ones. The dying white flower with long stem (and I don't even know its name). The native leaves that I know my people use to wrap rice in. Everything is fascinating.


Two hours of leisurely stroll did me good. My faith in life is restored. As simple as that. And I remind myself again "take time to smell the flowers".

and with age, comes responsibility...

I turned 37 last week. It feels good to have reached this age. I'd love to say the extra inches around my waist represent wisdom that can only be attained through age...but alas, it's not true. Aging doesn't mean that one is free to be unhealthy, or that one is wiser than those who are younger...

Although it is indeed true that with age comes EXTRA responsibility. This year I really feel that at work. Gone were the days when my friends and I could go to have a hair cut or a facial on impulse at lunch time and always ended up having a long lunch hour. As a result, we always had to go back past office hours to finish our work. Looking back, I'd call it bad time management- just because the job allows flexi-hours, one shouldn't be too careless about time management. That, I realize now.

This year I attended 90% of the non-compulsory seminars at work, just because suddenly there are so many juniors in need of encouragement and feedback when they present their papers. Having been in their shoes, I know how it feels to present a conference paper for the first time. A little moral support from the seniors always helps to boost one's confidence. And so, in the spirit of solidarity, I find myself attending every presentation whenever I am at the office building. This sense of responsibility must be because of my age...

I am less impulsive; I am more appreciative of everyone and everything I have; I am less ambitious; and I like my job more and more...regardless of the extra responsibility that age brings :)

Unleash the child in you

I've heard some wise people say that in each of us is a child. It's the child in you that helps you enjoy the little things in life. That prompts you to act on impulse on things that bring you a lot of laughter. That lets you feel deeply and sincerely. That preserves your innocence. And when you stop unleashing the child in you, you become 'old', too serious, unable to enjoy life.


That must be true. I keep finding myself learning a lot from children. Things that I have almost forgotten like being spontaneous, and honest, and forgiving. Most of all, they remind me that everyone needs a laugh now and then.


Having said that, I think it's good to unleash the child in us whenever we can. It keeps us youthful and it makes life such a joy to live...

life's blessings

Counting my blessings again. Amidst life's busyness and the constant fatique, life is a joy. I may have to conduct night classes of 7-10pm because some people wrongly scheduled me to teach at night, but my students are a joy to have. I am thankful to see fresh, energetic faces every time I enter the classroom. They must be tired too- some started their lectures as early as 8am, but youth does make a lot of difference. Coupled with a positive attitude, these young people keep looking fresh even after a long day.

Coming home after to a wonderful husband and children, I can only say I'm blessed. Seeing their smiles, or peaceful faces sound asleep, I offer up my thanks to the powers that be. All around me are life's blessing, if only I stop awhile to look and feel them...

Ya, ya, ok, so my products are not good?

I went to a reflexology center a few days ago, thinking that I could have a nice, relaxing foot massage while waiting for the kids to finish school. I've never been to that place before so I thought I'd be left in peace. How wrong I was. The moment the 'sifu' started my massage, the lady cashier started promoting 'her products', supposedly 'the best' in the market, based on years of research in a developed country.


The lady asked me what shampoo I used, to which I answered 'rejoice', and as expected, received the disapproving 'not good'. She went on to promote the products and her multi-level-marketing business. Hmm...I've experienced many MLM businesses before, blame it on my youth and ... the desire to always have the best. Now I can only conclude that yes, maybe the products- toiletries, supplements etc are good, but they are also really expensive.


I've quit buying those expensive products. Thank god I finally realized that life has to be lived realistically. Within one's means. If all the products in the supermarket are really that bad, then perhaps 3/4 of the world population or more would all be affected. Come to think of it, those are the products my parents used on me since I was born anyway, and touch wood, there haven't been any serious health problems in the family. Those products couldn't be that unsafe then. Well, I've got to live within my means anyway...

The heart is constant

At 17, I never imagined being 36. But at 36, I get to see whether people remain who they were at 17.

My high school celebrated its silver jubilee on 13.03.10. Driven by curiousity I decided to attend. I didn't know what to expect, but I was looking forward to see my old friends whom I haven't seen in years, some as long as 20 years. When I was there 20 years ago, the school was only 5 years old with all the typical teething problems. It wasn't an easy life for a teenager to be in a boarding school, isolated in an island, almost in the middle of nowhere, with neverending problems like water shortage, occasional thieving, and fatique due to the stringent daily routine. Yet, everyone survived. In a community of as small as 600 people, one learnt to be a family. Everyone knew everyone else. It's a wonder how one could remember so many faces and names.

Being in the school again brought back nostalgic memories. I saw the young me lying on the bed in my old dorm, queuing up for meals at the school dining hall, sitting in the classroom waiting impatiently for the bell to ring, running on the field on hot afternoons, and walking hand in hand with friends on the beach just across the school. (One of my best friends lost her life to nose cancer two years ago, and she was the one that I could visualise most when I was in the school for the celebration. It's a sad thing that I never got to see her at my age; she, one of the most cheerful people I've ever known.)

The teachers who came might have aged a little bit, but the presence they have is still very much the same. These teachers became our parents then, punishing you when you do something wrong, praising you for your excellent achievements, and comforting you when you were feeling down. I am still very much in awe of them.

Of my old classmates, three 'boys' (somehow, it feels weird to think of them as 'men') were the only ones who came. They might be older and wiser. They might now talk about kids and work and the myriad life problems. But they are still 17 at heart. I guess myself included. The heart remains constantly 17 when you meet people you were with at 17.

Seeing them again, getting to know the persons that they are now have been refreshing. Still respectful of others, still accepting our differences, and still appreciating our experiences. The years at the boarding school were not wasted at all. There, one learnt that everyone is different, yet no one is to be discriminated. One got toughen up by the hardships, and humbled by the experience. One was educated to respect one's elders and friends. Most of all, one remembers one's root. It's all in the heart and the heart is constant.

Another Year Gone By

It's unbelievable how time flies. We're already into the fourth day of January 2010. I've now been back to Kota Kinabalu for 3 weeks, and did a lot in that period, I think :-) I had to get my kids into a school, which took about a week of intensive searching and rushing from one place to another. Got my car on 31.12.2009 (it's a white myvi, by the way, which I couldn't resist but name Maia. I just hope that I'd never have to sell this one to avoid heartache). And finally got my internet connection on the same day. God knows why must it take two weeks to get an internet connection, but I'm glad to finally be online again.

The best thing ever was the December feasts that involved my big, boisterous, and happy go lucky family. We had a wedding anniversary on 26.12.09, a wedding on 28.12.09 and a family gathering on 31.12.09. It was a great joy to see faces I haven't seen for a long time, some as long as 20 years!

Happy New Year. May the year 2010 bring us joy, peace and good health :-)

In defense of the virtual world

They say it's bad. It encourages self-centeredness. It makes people lazy. And unrealistic. And sedentary. Hmm...maybe.

But still I love the virtual world. It makes you feel that everything is all right. That everyone is nice. And it gives you entertainment that doesn't involve others. You can entertain yourself at your own time and pace, without having to cope with the frustration of dealing with people you'd rather avoid. It keeps you creative, you can turn your imagination into virtual reality. In the virtual world you are a successful you. What a boost to the self-esteem.

Of course one needs to be cautious while dealing with the virtual world. The trap is ever present. You can get so hooked that you forget all about reality. And that's when it becomes bad...with all the reasons stated above and more.

Nevertheless, I'm still thankful that there is a virtual world at all. A perfect world for escapism.

Celebrate me...

Another year wiser? Hopefully :-) No matter what, a birthday is a birthday and it calls for a celebration. I am officially above the mid-thirties cutoff point, and enjoying it. I learned years ago that I will never stop figuring out 'my future' so I'm still at it. Gone has the naive thought that I had it all figured out- what I wanted in life, what I was going to be- with my 20s.

I'm celebrating me- my existence, and what better way to do it than listen to beautiful music like Omar Akram's:

A new beginning

Yesterday someone I love got hitched, formally in the marriage registrar's office. I am happy for her and I wish her and her new husband all the happiness in the world. May they love each other always. May the joy they found in each other last forever.

She is starting over again, after the misfortune of an unhappy marriage years ago. Some doubt her decision to remarry either out of concern for her or just because they can't accept the idea of remarrying. But some like me encourage her to follow her heart, for it is the heart that leads you to your happiness. There will be challenges- what marriage doesn't. But I believe that willingness to overcome the challenges and an open communication between the spouses will see them through. Marriage takes a lot of hard work to maintain, as goes the saying "marriage might be made in heaven but it has to be lived on earth".

Anyway, it is a new beginning, regardless of age. As love is blind to colors, so it is to age. And as the Carpenters put it "we've only just begun to live, white lace and promises, a kiss of love and we're on our way..." May love takes you to the place called happiness.

When life hands me lemons...

...I try to make lemonade. But sometimes when I get too many lemons, I lost the lemonade recipe and end up being confused. It will take some time before I can take control of my life again. But darn if I'll let life bully me. I am in control. I deserve to be happy and happy I shall be...No one is responsible for my happiness although it is true that people can hurt me. It's up to me to deal with it the best way I can.

Yes, life hands me lemons and it's up to me to make the lemonade...

Life is not all about ME

how true...I read somewhere that people are naturally selfish. That 70% of the time each day we think of our selfish needs. Unconsciously, that is. We worry about all the 'what ifs' that concern us, directly and indirectly. What if I failed to do this, what if I got a terminal illness, what if my partner left me for someone else, what if I lost my job...etc.

The phrase 'life is not all about ME' takes on a new meaning after this realization. Much that I have about a thousand things to take care of every day, I really should make time for others. A phone call to someone I haven't spoken to for a long time, an email to a long forgotten friend, a visit to someone who is lonely or sick- the possibility of reaching out is endless. Failing that, because it always feels that the 24-hour day is just too short, I could at least stop complaining of how much time I have to alot to drive the kids to school, to make their meals, and to clean up their mess. After all life is not all about ME...it's about many other things that contribute to the meaning of living.

Back to life, back to reality...

Two weeks at home managed to spoil me a bit. Albeit having to do a lot of things, I've enjoyed the short stay. Meeting up with friends, spending time with family, and of course satisfying the taste bud with local delicacies were just wonderful. Regretfully (although perhaps a good thing), I was watching my calorie intake so I could only have a small amount of everything (at least most of the time...I did cheat once or twice).

The strict exercise regime was distrupted...the house cleaning ups and shopping for hours could hardly be counted as real exercise. As a result, yours truly didn't shed any kgs during the two weeks. Oops, scary, the weight police is watching. Have to double up efforts from now on. The season being winter doesn't help either...one feels hungry all the time...

I'm glad to be back with the family...back to being a mom, a wife, a student, and my reality for the time being. Yups, got a thesis to finish writing...time is running short. Hopefully I get things done on time.

The road less travelled

Somehow, I feel that this Robert Frost poem reflects my life:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
(Robert Frost)