Happy Father's Day

To all fathers, "Happy Father's Day". Seemingly under-appreciated as compared to mothers, fathers are an equally important part of the family structure. And so in appreciation of fathers (especially the father of my children), I took the time to find these beautiful verses:

Fathers can be solitary mountains,
All their love rock-like, steep, and strong.
Though warm and caring, somehow they belong
Halfway home to mothers' bubbling fountains.
Each of us needs love that knows no quarter,
Reminding us of bonds that cross a border,
Strengthening our sense of right and wrong.
(here this site.)

What Makes a Dad

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so,

He called it ... Dad

~~Author Unknown.~~ (here)

Only a Dad

Only a dad with a tired face,
Coming home from the daily race,
Bringing little of gold or fame
To show how well he has played the game;
But glad in his heart that his own rejoice
To see him come and to hear his voice.
Only a dad with a brood of four,
One of ten million men or more
Plodding along in the daily strife,
Bearing the whips and the scorns of life,
With never a whimper of pain or hate,
For the sake of those who at home await.
Only a dad, neither rich nor proud,
Merely one of the surging crowd,
Toiling, striving from day to day,
Facing whatever may come his way,
Silent whenever the harsh condemn,
And bearing it all for the love of them.
Only a dad but he gives his all,
To smooth the way for his children small,
Doing with courage stern and grim
The deeds that his father did for him.
This is the line that for him I pen:
Only a dad, but the best of men.
Author Unknown
(here)

Thankfulness

12 June 2011- I'm back home, after a seemingly long ordeal, which actually lasted only a few hours. I had my ovarian tumor removed at Sabah Medical Centre on 10 June 2011, 12pm. The decision to have it removed wasn't easy for me to make. I worried about the after effects on my life. It was a shock for me. Imagine only knowing in April that I have that thing inside me. Well, I shouldn't have been surprised. In 1995 when I was 22, I had my damaged right ovary removed of multiple cysts, and had been fairly warned of the possibility of recurrent on the other ovary. I've been warned of other things too, like the possibility of not being able to conceive. 16 years later, I am thankful that I have three beautiful children with a wonderful man I love with all my heart.

Anyway, after going through the first operation in 1995, and the c-section of my last child in 2003, I've told myself I've had enough of needles, knife and blood-things I'm most scared of. But apparently one doesn't get to choose what kind of trials one wants to go through in life. And I was handed this one again. I was scared and I felt so helpless when I found out in April that the tumor was growing. It was even scarier that it did not even cause me tremendous pain. It's as if it was not there, but actually it was. So after three consultations with three doctors, I decided that the only way to have my peace of mind again was by having it removed.

I had been warned of two possibilities: 1) that the tumor was benign and I could save part of the ovary, 2) that it was possibly malignant and I'd have to have the whole thing removed. Of course I'd been worried sick. Who wouldn't? It was especially worrying to think that having no ovary would make me menopausal...and at 38. Through the internet, I read about other people's experiences with the same thing...and sad to say the more I read, the more scared I got. Most people seemed to have bad things to report.

Then I started talking to family and friends, and slowly regained my courage. I asked them to pray for me, regardless of their faith, because I believe that the Maker listens to every sincere prayer. And I started feeling much better.

On 10.06.2011, as the nice nurses wheeled me off to the operating theater, I had a moment of panic, but I managed to stay calm. Before the doctor performed the procedure, he did a final scan, and told me honestly that the tumor 'looked bad'. I begged him to take care of me and to cut off only the necessary bit. He reassured me that he would do his best to take care of me, but asked me to give him the 1% possibility of having to remove the whole thing if he had to. With a heavy heart, I said 'yes' to him, praying in my heart that it wouldn't come to that.

After 3pm, as I regained consciousness, the first question that came to mind was "did I get to keep my ovary?". I waited impatiently for the doctor to come. When he did, and told me yes I still have part of my ovary, I was overjoyed. It didn't matter when he told me that the operation was more complicated than what he initially thought, because of the delicate position of the tumor. It didn't matter that I had to be on the table for over an hour. All that matter was that I still have part of my ovary! Thank you Dr.K, you're my hero.

And all I want to offer today is thankfulness. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me, and who has wished me well. It has helped me to survive this ordeal. I'm on my way to full recovery.

If ages were exam grades

The little son is now 7 going 8. Naturally his perception of things expands. And ever so full of surprising observation.

"Mom, you are a D", he said out of the blue one day. "Huh?", I looked at him with obvious puzzle. "Yes, you are a D. A D is in between 35 to 39. Sandra, Arielle and me are all an F". When all of them laughed, I realized that he was talking of age in terms of exam grades. "Oh, so what would Daddy be then", I asked him playfully. "He is the only one of the family that got a pass grade. He's a C", he said confidently. The sisters scowled at him, obviously disagreeing. "No, Daddy is still only a D+", one of the sisters said. And they went on and on arguing about Daddy's age grade...

If only life is measured in terms of exam grades...But in some ways it makes sense. When you are an A, you would have lived a long life, have experienced all the things that one your age should have experienced, and is full of wisdom. Many might not get to be that age. In that sense, being a D is not too bad. Perhaps not very wise yet, but harvesting wisdom along the way. If I get to be a B next time, I would definitely celebrate...

My new gadget

My i-pad 2. I've been coveting this one for months. Not particularly technology-savvy, I don't normally care much for new gadgets. But this one, I really felt that I have to have it. In my imagination, this thing will be useful to me in many ways. For one thing, there are times when I have to attend a formal function involving vvips, and that means having to wait a long time for their arrival. What could be more useful than an i-pad in such circumstances? Besides, the size is perfect for me who just can't bear straining my eyes looking at tiny screens. Because of its perfect size, it fits in my handbag beautifully. I can take it anywhere, anytime. Most of all, I can access all the e-books I want to read, and read comfortably. Yay! I don't have to buy so many books anymore (we'll see if this one works as well as I imagine it to be)

Scared

I don't know what to expect this time. The pain is not bad now, and not even there all the time. But the tumor is big enough to have to be removed. Not new to the procedure, I know what will go on in the operation theater. I know I'll have to go under, and at this point that is the scariest thing in my mind. The throat and shoulder blades pain due to the gases post-op, also do not make for pleasant memory.

16 years ago, when I had to go through the same operation, I was in a lot of pain. So going under the knife was like a salvation. Even having an ovary removed then did not seem to be so much a of a big deal because my priority was to be out of the maddening pain. Plus I was way younger. A 20 something body could get back to in shape in no time.

I am not 20-something anymore. Will I get back in shape as fast as I would like to? Will my hormones be affected that I'll be left struggling with mood swings and depression? Even knowing that positive thinking is powerful can't seem to get rid of my fear. Most of all, I am scared of the unknown. What will they find inside me apart from the tumor revealed on the scan? Let them find nothing else please. I do hope that they won't have to remove the whole ovary this time.

I'm faced with the biggest task ever. To overcome this fear. Oh yes I pray. But I am still scared. I hope by writing this I won't feel so scared anymore.

Cupcake Therapy

Last Christmas I didn't get to bake at all. I thought I had forgotten how to. But the baking idleness didn't last long. With a 10 yr old girl who's so into cake decorating in the family, how can a mom not feel guilty if she doesn't encourage the 'talent'?

So I bought us an oven. A medium sized one with basic function but functional nonetheless. And starting last Easter, we started cupcake baking again. I've almost forgotten how therapeutic it can be. Playing with fondant as if it is a clay dough, my girl patiently created her 'masterpieces'. We look for reasons to bake: Easter gathering with the family, fullmoon of the latest addition to the family members, somebody's birthday. We might never reach the professional level, but we are becoming better as time goes by...and definitely happy offering our signature cupcakes to family and friends.

Back on track with the diet

It took gaining all those lost kilos to actually get me back on track with my diet. The whole of 2010, I practically 'forgot' to count kalories. Subconsciously I remembered, but the mind was always so clever to deny the necessity of doing it. Not surprisingly, I gained most of the eight kgs that I lost in 2009. What can I say? Malaysian food are just too tempting. You step in a shop areas and wafting aromas of food embrace you straight away.

Four months into 2011- I forced myself to go back to the healthy diet that I used to adhere to strictly in 2009. After all, I've been telling myself to do it since the dawn of 2011. It was such a big challenge. A battle that I constantly lost. Then two of my brothers started losing weight-really lose weight. One of them lost 12kgs in a month. His secret? No rice. Strictly no rice. Awww...my favourite staple. And so after celebrating the end of semester in style with my colleagues, I vowed to be off-rice. That was two weeks ago. Well, I cheated 3 times. Took a little bit of rice for lunch. Just a few tablespoonfuls.

The results? Still have a long way to go but losing 2 kg in 2 weeks gives me a nice feeling. I feel more motivated now. Hoping that this determination lasts...